Family and domestic violence – I challenge you to be a part of the solution
Commissioner Gwen Cherne
Veteran Family Advocate
The way we are approaching family and domestic violence (FDV) is creating a divide between genders and generations. We know that violence against women is wrong, that it happens to men and that abuse takes many forms including physical, emotional, sexual and economic.
We now have laws against coercion and control in some states. Violence is a national crisis that affects men, women and children every single day from every walk of life, including those in the Defence and veteran community who experience FDV at higher rates than the general public.
Sadly, statistics do not resonate with people when they feel villainized or are struggling in the moment, even ones as clear as ‘every 9 days one woman in Australia loses her life to family and domestic violence’, or ‘one in three women since the age of 15 have experienced physical violence’. These aren’t just numbers, they are people like me – I am one of those statistics.
Growing up as the daughter of a Vietnam veteran with post-traumatic stress disorder, my life was marked by significant violence. My father, like many in the military, brought a command-and-control mindset into our home, resulting in emotional abuse, coercion, and physical violence. This environment was my reality, it shaped my understanding of relationships and conflict.
As a young adult, I experienced sexual violence and then later intimate partner violence with my late husband. Both my father and husband were good men caught in cycles of violence, feeling a constant need to impose control over their lives. This need for control, often stemming from their own traumatic experiences, manifested in harmful ways.
It’s a painful truth that many perpetrators of domestic violence were once victims themselves, and one in 3 children who experience domestic violence grow up to become perpetrators. This cycle of violence is not just statistics, it’s a heartbreaking reality.
My late husband, who was also a veteran, struggled with his violent tendencies and the shame that accompanied them. He wanted to heal and be forgiven but felt unable to seek help due to stigma. The weight of his contradictory nature – being admired in his community yet inflicting pain at home – became too much for him, and he tragically took his own life. I share this story not to excuse his actions but to highlight the urgent need to understand and address the root causes of domestic violence and the consequences of not getting it right.
When I became a mother, I found myself too easily ready to resort back to the learned behaviours of my childhood. In high-stress environments, my fight response is like a superhighway: a survival mechanism from my past. But with 2 young children, I knew that following this pattern would only perpetuate harm.
Getting help and learning the skills needed to redirect my automatic responses was hard. I was nervous about taking that first step because I feared judgment. But having gone through the process, I now understand that stigma and shame are significant barriers to ending domestic violence and healing.
It’s crucial for victims, and those who have been able to change their learned behaviours, to speak out. Working against your hard-wired responses is challenging, and it’s something I still work at every day to set a better example for my children.
To end domestic violence, we need men to be part of the conversation. They need to feel they are not being lectured to or villainized. They need to feel like they can come forward and seek support without fear of judgment or shame. While punitive action is right and necessary in many cases, there must also be space for rehabilitation, healing, and self-improvement. Without creating a space where people feel they can seek help and share their stories, we will not end domestic violence and the cycle will repeat.
We need to focus on educating men and women alike about the foundations of healthy relationships, which involve honesty, trust, respect, boundaries and open communication between partners.
These relationships require effort and compromise from both people, with no imbalance of power. Partners must respect each other’s independence, make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decision making equally. Asserting control over others is a form of abuse, while controlling oneself is empowering and healing.
Encouraging participation in Behaviour Change programs is also essential. Following strengths-based approaches offers opportunities to engage perpetrators, provide valuable insights, and motivate positive transformation in abusive or violent behaviours that can lead to lasting change.
Addressing domestic violence requires a comprehensive approach. It’s about tackling interconnected issues like employment opportunities, substance abuse, addiction, financial independence, education, access to support, judicial duty of care, child abuse, societal stigma, victim-blaming, and vilification. By understanding these issues and committing to systemic change, we can build a foundation for future generations to end violence in our homes.
Today, we understand more about these issues, their causes and how to address them than we did in the past. When I look to the next generation, I have hope. Our children are quicker, brighter and more agile than we were. They have access to information we never did, and they want to be engaged. If we can have the conversations our parents never could, we can create a foundation to take further steps and truly end domestic violence in their generation.
We must keep this conversation going and take action every day. My story, rooted in the Defence and veteran community, is just one among many, but it speaks to the urgent need for advocacy, support, and systemic change.
My story also holds hope for those of us who fit the bill of being perpetrators and are not so young anymore. There are ways to rewire our brains, undo learned behaviours and be in healthy relationships with others. My partner is a veteran and he and I have committed to kindness, care and mutual respect. It is not easy, but the most important thing I learned in my parenting after a FDV course was that we hurt in relationship and we heal in relationship. There is hope for all of us.
Domestic violence is everyone’s problem, so we all need to be a part of the solution. Together, we can end domestic violence. What will you do?
If this story has raised any concerns for you, please call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), a national, professional family violence and sexual assault counselling service available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, or visit www.1800respect.org.au/. More information about preventing violence against women and children is available from Our Watch.
Image: Paying tribute to my late husband with my family at the Australian War Memorial.